Category Archives: misc

Hey look, it’s fall!

Today’s been the first real fall-feeling day that we’ve had so far. Technically there’s still a couple more weeks of “summer,” but even though I haven’t been a student for several years, my brain still switches into fall mode once school starts. When I was younger I used to hate fall. I associated it (as you can see) with school starting, which always meant anxiety, wearing uniforms, and staying up to all hours of the night doing homework. Somewhere along the line after school ended, I started to enjoy fall again. Here’s some things I’m looking forward to:

1. Pumpkin-everything!
Pumpkin muffins, pumpkin pie, pumpkin coffee, pumpkin spiced lattes, and of course, pumpkin beer.

Happy beer!

2. Long-sleeve t-shirts.
The ones from shirt.woot are super-comfy. They don’t come in women’s sizes so they’re kind of baggy, but they’re awesome for just relaxing and feeling comfy.

3. Theatres starting up their new seasons.
Lots of shows to see! And readings! And also the deadline rush for winter and spring festivals, which means I really need to get some 10-minute plays together soon.

4. Hot apple cider.
And also apple picking, but I haven’t been able to actually go and do that in years.

5. Red and yellow leaves!
And finding the most perfectly crunchable leaves to step on.

6. Cool mornings and nights.
I can have coffee in the morning without blasting the air conditioner, but it still warms up enough to not need a jacket or to just throw on a hoodie.

7. Halloween.
Candy and costumes.

8. Fall-scented candles.
I love “Leaves” for September and “Pumpkin Patch” for October from Bath and Body Works.

9. The cats get snuggly again.
It’s cool enough for them to feel like sitting on your lap.

10. This-year-specific things to look forward to:
Mike and Amy’s wedding; driving lessons and trying to get my license before snow season hits; friends-and-baby visiting! and (hopefully asap) planning a trip to Chicago for another friends-visit.

Also this:

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Things I get from my dad

My dad died suddenly a year ago. It’s been a really hard year trying to adjust to things. Until this past year, when I’d think about him, it would often be about things I never, ever wanted to have in common with him. I thought cigarettes, especially his goddamn Newports, were disgusting. I wanted to go to college and make sure I was educated and have a career. I would never do half the crazy things he did when he was younger. They joke that girls end up marrying someone who is like their father; I knew that was never going to be me. I wanted to marry someone who wouldn’t make the same mistakes he did and wouldn’t have to struggle as hard as he did.

But now when I look back I find myself searching for similarities. Things that are parts of me that are no doubt because of him that I can take with me everywhere. That if I have kids I can hope they will inherit. And it’s nice because, if I stop and think about it, there’s more than what’s evident just on the surface. Some good and some not as good but indelibly a part of who I am.

1. The slight wave to my hair.
My mom’s hair is super-straight and fine. My dad’s was curly and incredibly thick. He used to joke that he could ride down the highway in a convertible and it wouldn’t move. Mine is decidedly somewhere in between. Not too fine, but not thick. Not curly, but not pin-straight like my mom’s.

2. My nose looks more like his than my mom’s.
I only noticed that several months ago. In some pictures where he turns to the side at certain angle I can see it better.

3. My hypersensitivity.
I get my anxiety and propensity to worry straight from my mother. But the being super-sensitive is I think from him. We’d often yell at him to stop being a baby if something upset him and he’d storm off. 😛 But I’m a lot like that… I let people’s comments hurt me too much. I just deal with it differently.

4. My interest in music.

We had different tastes–I was more rock while he got into a lot of 70s singer/songwriter type sounds, but we appreciated each other’s styles. My mom could care less about music–for her it’s basically enjoyable background noise. My dad understood its importance. He loved his goddamn gigantic speakers on his record/8-track player. He’d spend so many hours just out in the kitchen with the radio tuned to our classic rock station, and you could always tell when a song he really loved was on because he’d get so into it. I learned a lot of classic rock from him, and I have a great memory for anything musical. And some of the best memories from college are actually rides home with him when we’d just turn up the radio and play music the whole way home. Sometimes it would be my tapes of 90s music so I could share it with him. And he was the only one in the house who never seemed to have anything else he’d rather be watching or listening to when my brothers would play their drums and guitar in the basement. He wanted to be right down there with them, rather than demanding to know when they’d be done. Music was a way of bonding with him.

5. The few strands of scraggly grey hair that started appearing when I was still only 22.

6. My ability to just talk-talk-talk about stupid insignificant things.

7. Related to that, my inclination towards long, detailed stories. I, of course, don’t tend to tell my life story to random strangers in the parking lot thankfully. 🙂

8. My love of all things outer-space.

He didn’t nerd out over NASA and the space program the way I do, but he definitely appreciated going for a walk and seeing the moon looking particularly bright or big. I knew he’d get it if I pointed out how awesome the moon looked on a given night.
Plus, I think I discovered this “sequel song” before he did. I was a baby when it was released, so it makes sense that it would slip by him.

9. Singing random songs around the house.

I know there’s countless other things too. And so many weird jokes and quotes that he provided over the years, sometimes unintentionally. 🙂 I also think I can attribute at least some of my writing talent to him. Not the actual skill of writing–I don’t ever think I saw him write anything except lists so that he wouldn’t forget when he took his pills–but what goes into it, all that unspoken research and observation on what makes people the way they are–growing up with him, I probably absorbed SO MUCH… about how people respond to struggles, about the way real people talk, and especially about how to deal with horrible crappy circumstances with humor, which is a total hallmark of my writing style. He used to call having his seizures his “shake rattle n’ roll.” It’s terrible, and you laugh, and then feel bad for laughing, but then laugh again afterward. And it’s ridiculous jokes like that that I think always come out in things I write.

So thanks, Dad. I hope you realize the influence you had on everyone close to you.

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My Irish music top ten

St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow! Allan (the boyfriend) isn’t from around here and says he never knew it was a “thing.” When I was little and in Catholic school, I seriously thought that basically everyone was either Irish or Italian and that St. Patrick’s Day was a real holiday right up there with Halloween. We even got the day off from school. Seriously, it took me till, like, seventh grade to realize that we got that day off because of Evacuation Day (non-Bostonians/history buffs, check the link). (I also for a couple years when I was just starting school thought that we got the day after Halloween off so that we could stay up late eating candy… All Saints Day, what’s that?) So when I was younger, St. Patrick’s Day meant a day off from school and gross food for supper. Yes, my mother always made the classic corned beef and cabbage. I’ve never been the biggest fan of red meat, so St. Patrick’s Day for me always meant trying my best to fill up on cabbage and possibly potatoes and carrots that had been boiled in beefjuice all day. yum!

Then I got to college, and St. Patrick’s Day at an Irish-Catholic school is, like, an event. It is insanity. It was hard to get into it sometimes because of course there were the people who’d go overboard and throw up in the dining hall or knock over all the trash cans on your hall and all of that and make it a lot less fun.

But now that I no longer have to eat corned beef and cabbage or deal with sloppy drunks on my hall, it’s a fun holiday again. I have a thing for Irish music, and this time of year I can get away with listening to it without getting looked at oddly. So, for your enjoyment, may I present…

My Irish Top Ten (in Random Order)

1. Whiskey in the Jar
You may be familiar with this version by Metallica:

I actually love this version. It’s by far my favorite Metallica song (sorry, Enter Sandman). It’s Metallica’s version of Thin Lizzy’s cover of this Irish standard. For a more traditional take on it, here’s a good version by the Dubliners.

Completely different feel, and also completely awesome. Like most folk songs, there’s variations in the lyrics among the different versions. One thing about the version Metallica chose to cover that I like better is that the woman’s name is Molly, whereas in this version she’s named Jenny. I’m partial to the name Molly… my Prayer Bargain main character is named Molly.

2. Wild Rover
No nay never, no more….

This version is from a group called the High Kings. The Dubliners have a good version too, but I’m trying for some variety in my videos. I also like the Irish Rovers version. But the High Kings have some amazing harmonies on this. And they understand the supreme importance of the four claps after “no nay never.” That is vital to full enjoyment of this song.

3. I’ll Tell Me Ma
Please excuse the horrible lyrics-scrolling video, but this is my favorite recording of the song.

My mp3 says it’s by a group called Quilty, but who knows how reliable that is. In any case, fun song for dancing.

4. Fields of Athenry
Here’s one I love that manages to be incredibly sad but also have wonderful sing-along potential. This version is again by the Dubliners.

It’s a bit slower and more sad than the other live recording I’ve seen of them doing it, but the guy’s voice is just awesome. My family has busted this one out at all sorts of holidays. For another less-traditional take on an Irish favorite, I also enjoy the Dropkick Murphys’ Celtic-punk version:

5. Black Velvet Band
Beware of the pretty colleens!

This one of those songs I learned before I was even old enough to go to school. I liked that it had my name in it. For those of you NOT named Colleen, the name means “girl” in Irish. In this song (as in Whiskey in the Jar), the bewitching girl tricks the poor hapless guy and gets him shipped off to Australia. Lots of people were getting shipped off to Australia in Irish music (see Fields of Athenry).

6. The Orange and the Green

Yet another one I learned before I was five. A lot of the songs on my aunts’ Irish Rovers record became staples of my childhood. I was confused by this one when I was little. The part about “my father he was orange and me mother she was green” (for those unfamiliar with Irish-ness, orange would be Protestant and green would be Catholic… I didn’t know that when I was little). I was picturing this guy’s mother being some sort of alien from outer space until I asked my mother about it and she cleared it up for me. After that I thought it was cool because on my mom’s side, my grandfather was the lone Protestant in my family and my grandmother is Catholic.

7. The Unicorn

This one’s not really an Irish folk classic.. it was actually written by Shel Silverstein. I of course learned this song before I could read, so I was confused as hell when I opened up Where the Sidewalk Ends in second grade and saw a poem that was almost identical to this song. But yeah, so this song is actually awful, in that it’s horrifying and guilt inducing (no wonder it caught on as an Irish song). It’s about why there are no unicorns anymore because they were goofing off instead of getting on Noah’s ark. Check out these lines: “The ark started moving, it drifted with the tide. Them unicorns looked up from the rocks and they cried. And the waters came down and sort of floated them away. And that’s why you never seen a unicorn to this very day.” WHAT. THE. HELL. That’s all kids of frightening.

Buuut the song has a dance, so that sort of makes up for it a little. If you don’t know it, get me or one of my brothers to show it to you.

8. Riverdance title theme

I know it’s cheesy, but I had to nerd out to this one. I used to dance, and Irish step is like tap but a million times more awesome… especially the hard-shoes. I will learn this someday. When I drink I like to pretend I can do Irish step to this song. It’s not good.

9. Boston Rose

I somehow didn’t come across this one until I was an adult. It’s another sad one. Try to ignore the supreme 80s-ness of this video. This one reminds me a lot of my family. I can’t end on this one because it’s too sad. So with that….

10. Lily the Pink
Now here’s a story, a little bit gory, a little bit happy, a little bit sad…

I grew up to a 45 of this song. It’s kind of hilarious that I knew this song at such a young age. I wish I could find the studio version to post, but this live one was the best I could do.

So those are ten of my favorites. What are yours?

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A trip to the library

Time for a quick little update while I’m waiting for my friend Christine at the coffee shop. I haven’t updated much lately. There was the holidays, and now I have a massive deadline for the first draft of my play about the excommunicated nun. It has to be done by January 1. Which is really rough. But I took off today and tomorrow, and my office has Friday off instead of next Monday, so I have the rest of this week to go nuts and crank this draft out.

Today I wasn’t focusing too well from home, so I decided after eating a quick lunch to head over to the local tiny branch of the Boston Public Library to work for awhile. I settled into a nice table in the corner near an outlet, which is vital for me. I hate running off the battery and having the screen start to dim if I sit staring at my words for more than a few seconds.

I was actually feeling productive and getting some work done when this guy, who based on references to being in high school two years ago must have been younger than my youngest brother, started chatting me up. And I’m really, really bad at just telling people to go away. I’m too nice. And, you know, why am I blaming this on my being “too nice”? It’s not my fault… it’s his. When you ask someone if you can sit next to them and they tell you, “I really have to get this thing written” and for good measure add “it’s on page 30 and needs to be on, like, 80 or 90,” you should NOT proceed to sit down at their table. Even if you’re crazy. You shouldn’t sit with someone who’s obviously working. And then keep talking. And talking. When they try to go back to their writing, you should LET THEM.

You also should not hit on them. Especially when they make it clear that they have a boyfriend and that it’s going very well. You shouldn’t ask for their number. You shouldn’t ask if you can kiss them. When they politely say no to both of those things, you should not tell them “maybe tomorrow” or that you’ll wait until their current relationship fails. Girls (and I’m assuming guys) don’t like to hear things like that. That will not make them like you more.

You should be allowed to be a shy, nice person who writes plays at a library and NOT get hit on by creeps. Is that too much to ask?

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Bad Santas

I’ve been wanting to blog about this for years. Seriously. I’ve just never gotten my act together. But this year I have a play I should be writing, so what better time than now?

So. I’ve been thinking. Rankin-Bass Santas are shits. They are, more often than not, horrible douchebags. What the hell is wrong with them? How is it that kids grow up with these specials every year and still end up thinking that Santa is so jolly and giving? And so without further ado, my ranking of a few Santas, from the best to the biggest asshole ever.

Pretty Decent
Frosty the Snowman

Santa doesn’t play a huge role in Frosty, but when he does appear, he isn’t a very bad guy. Frosty has just melted after being locked in the greenhouse, and Santa brings him back to life. And he even says that maybe (“just maybe mind you”) villain Professor Hinkle will find something in his stocking Christmas morning if he goes home and writes “I am really sorry for what I did to Frosty” a hundred zillion times. Forgiveness! Pretty nice guy all around. Except that I really kind of hate the Frosty special compared to the others.

Creepy
Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town

In some ways, this classic Santa is pretty cool. He’s an outlaw, sneaking into a dystopian town to provide joy and love. And also toys. And he hangs around with a penguin, which is pretty awesome. But other than that, he’s just creepy. Check out the ginger-beard. That’s just wrong. And I usually love red hair. And what the fuck is up with this?:

If You Sit on My Lap Today

Apologies for the lack of the actual video. No one on youtube seems to have it. But yeah. Even as a kid the whole “sit on my lap” and “be prepared to pay” thing didn’t sit well with me. Now it’s just disturbing. Come over here, little children, and if you give me a kiss I’ll give you a present. I also have some candy in my car.

A Tad Insecure
Twas the Night before Christmas
I loved this special when I was little. It’s rarely on these days. And when it is on they cut out the song that says “gay” in it. It’s the one where Santa decides not to come to the town of this 70s family:

Remember this one yet? No? It also has the mouse family who lives with them.

And the little nerd-son in the Gryffindor scarf wrote an open letter to Santa in the paper about how no one believes in him anymore. And he signed it “All of Us.” So Santa acts like a total whiny bitch and returns all the letters everyone in town writes to him. Unopened. So 70s-Dad decides to make a clock tower that will chime and sing the praises of Santa as he’s flying over the town as a way of apologizing and convincing him to reconsider stopping there. Only then the little nerdy mouse breaks the clock when he tries to see how it works, and Santa totally does almost skip right over the town until the little mouse fixes it at the last second. So because one little mouse with an inquisitive mind actually decided to question the notion of Santa, he decides to just blow off the entire TOWN. Good job. Way to make other questioning little mice believe in you.

And he also looks kind of frightening.

It’s the cheeks. WTF.

Lazy Ass
The Year without a Santa Claus

It starts off with yet another whiny-bitch Santa who feels like not enough people believe in him anymore. But he takes it one step further and instead of just skipping over one town, he decides to just take the year off. And bitches about having a cold. He works one day a year. You want people to believe in you? Get off your ass and deliver presents. Maybe stop being so secretive. He only gives in when thousands of letters from sad crying children start pouring in. Ass.

And finally, the absolute WORST SANTA EVER:

Ultimate Douchebag
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

He comes in to meet Rudolph and is all like “what the hell is wrong with the little freak?” and then proceeds to sing a song about how awesome he is and how Rudolph should feel privileged to fly his sleigh IF he can grow up to be normal.

I’ve always hated this Santa. Even as a kid, I knew he was a total douche. As is Rudolph’s dad, Clarice’s dad, Comet the Reindeer Games coach, and the king of the misfits (who won’t let Rudolph and co. stay on the island because they’re not toys). But I expected more from Santa. Although perhaps I shouldn’t have, considering his track record in other specials. And considering that he’s married to this:

I should’ve known he wasn’t a smart one.

Any other asshole Santas that I’m missing? or any really nice ones who redeem the ones on this list?

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Work/life balance

I’ve been struggling more lately to keep up some semblance of balance with trying to work full-time, do what I love doing, and have time with my family and friends and just in-general downtime. There’s so many shows I want to see and friends I want to support in aforementioned shows, but all too often I find myself feeling so tired or overwhelmed that I can’t do it. Then I feel overwhelmed AND guilty.

The Gan-e-meed discussion I went to last week on the work-life balance was really helpful. They talked a lot about the need for self-compassion, which is something I know full well that I struggle with. I hold myself up to much higher standards than I’d ever hold anyone else. It’s like, I need to be seeing classic shows that I never saw or even read growing up, I need to see new “big” shows so I know what’s out there in contemporary theatre, I need to see shows my friends are involved in, and I need to keep up with my own writing so that there can be shows that I myself am involved in. 😛 I should also say that “need” here encompasses “want” too… I don’t feel obligated to do any of these things–they’re all things I want to do, but I feel guilty when I can’t get everything done.

The panel also talked about how it’s ok to say “no” to some things and to keep that time for yourself. I struggle with this a lot. I felt myself in my head saying to the panelists, “yeah it’s ok for YOU to say no, because you’ve already established yourself.” I feel like someone like me needs to go out there and see everything I can so I don’t end up with the reputation of being totally noncommitted. But I think instead of driving myself crazy I should just be a lot more realistic about what I can handle and have that be ok. I need to realize that it’s ok to take a step back and say “I am going to go insane if I am running around all the time.” And I’ll also never get my own work done if I never have free time.

I also really related to Jennie, the actress on the panel, talking about the necessity of being away from her family at night when she rehearses or directs. In that sense, it is a lot like writing while holding down a regular 9-5 job–all of my writing time is on nights and weekends, which leaves less time with Allan and with friends. It makes it harder. When I was on the Freedom Art retreat and could spend all day working on theatre projects, I kept wishing that my normal work week could always be like that. Of course, the world doesn’t work that way. It’s never going to make me stop doing what I love doing, but it just means that I need to be better at time management and be ok with taking time away from my family/friends time when I need to write.

I have a really great support system… my job allows me to work from home, Allan is great about doing things on his own so that I can write, friends are super-understanding and supportive, and I actually know people in the local theatre world who are dealing with the same balancing stuggles as I am. So I feel really bad even whining about any of this at all. I know it’s all going to be fine. I just need to relax a little not be as crazy about putting so much pressure on myself. I’ve always been like that though, so it’s hard to follow your own advice sometimes. I think I’m always paranoid that if I DON’T put insane amounts of pressure on myself, I’ll devolve into laziness and just give up because it’s easier that way. Which is stupid. I’ve never done that. I’m a huge procrastinator, yes, but I’ve never just stopped doing something I really love doing because it’s too frustrating or too hard. Why do I have such a problem listening to this rational side of myself?

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Do not want

My apologies, but I have to nerd out here for a minute. Real nerds probably heard about this already, but I just discovered it last night.

Let me start off by saying that one of my nerd-facets is that I love the original three Star Wars movies. Love them. And I hate the prequels with a passion. And I also hate all of the “enhancements” to the original movies that have been going on since 1997 when the “special editions” were released in the theaters. I have no problem with digital enhancement–I don’t mean the changes where he went in and changed the footage of the old movies to make them look all CGI-ified–I mean like the versions in the 1995 VHS release that were cleaned up and THX-ed and looked really good. If those had been released in widescreen format they would have been perfect. I don’t like CGI-ing the old technology, which was amazing in its day. I don’t like Jabba appearing in A New Hope. I don’t like Hayden Christensen being digitally inserted into the “ghost” scene at the end of Return of the Jedi instead of old-Annakin. And I definitely don’t like Greedo Shooting First.

But this newest change, made for the blu-ray release of the Star Wars movies, has hit a new low. There’s a key scene at the end of Return of the Jedi where the Emperor is electrocuting Luke, and then Darth Vader silently watches before getting up and using all of his strength to pick up the Emperor and throw him over the ledge. When you’re a kid and you’re watching that for the first time, you have this moment of “what’s he going to do?” when he stands up that is just so powerful (shut up, it is). And you can even sense some of his pain behind his mask. And it’s just awesome. If I have kids someday I want them to have that experience. What I don’t want them to see is this:

Yes. George Lucas, in his infinite wisdom, has seen it fit to add dialogue to Darth Vader in this scene, so that he now cries, “Noo… nooooo!” before saving his son. WHY??? I do not understand this. No doubt his is trying to parallel this scene from Revenge of the Sith, when Annakin has just transformed into Darth Vader only to be told that his wife has died:

And I can totally hear George Lucas in my head saying, “See, it flashes back to that the scene where Padme died, only this time he can change things” and thinking that he’s being SO DEEP. Why doesn’t he employ a staff of people who will slap him upside the head and tell him when something is a stupid idea? That scene from Revenge of the Sith is laughably embarrassing, but the prequels are just awful as a whole so it’s not as egregious. But when he messes with the classics, it just makes me so angry. STOP RUINING MY CHILDHOOD. STOP RUINING CLASSIC FILMS THAT HAVE HISTORICAL VALUE. HOW ARE YOU THE SAME PERSON WHO MADE STAR WARS AND AMERICAN GRAFITTI AND INDIANA JONES??? NOOOOOOO!

I didn’t buy the 2004 dvd releases when word came out that they would be further cleanups of the “Special Edition” versions from the late-90s. I refused to buy them until the original theatrical releases came out, which George Lucas said would never happen because they allegedly don’t exist anymore. But a few years ago he DID release them on dvd, though they were included as “bonus material” on what was marketed as “your chance to purchase each movie as an individual dvd rather than in a box set.” And Best Buy sold them in a collector’s tin, so it feels like a box set, so fuck you George Lucas. But the originals were taken from the laserdisc version, so while you do get the entire picture rather than the pan-and-scan fullscreen of the 1995 VHS tapes, it’s not dvd quality. But it’s the best I can do right now. I keep hoping that this is just a phase, kind of like how for awhile there was a phase of colorizing old black-and-white films before people realized that the original black-and-white has value and is better. But I seriously think George Lucas has lost his mind. Hire a writer, you dumbass.

*For those who may not understand where the title for this blog comes from, see the origin of the “do not want” meme, from a Chinese bootleg copy of Revenge of the Sith:

donotwant-thumb-490x268

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Wildcat Mountain photos and video!

Everyone should check out a photo slideshow and zipline videos on the Playwrights’ Commons blog.

As I said before, I forgot my camera, so this is great to see. In the “view from the ride” video, I am said “playwright waving in the distance.”

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Persisting

It’s been difficult to write anything lately. I’ve even been avoiding just little blog entries. My friend sent me this link from July 4’s entry in the Letters of Note blog. It’s an open letter from Pixar animator Austin Madison written to aspiring artists as part of the Animator Letters Project, which collects letters from successful animators to inspire those seeking to enter the industry. I love Pixar. I overanalyze their screenplays like a complete nerd. It’s a not-so-secret dream of mine to somehow be one of their writers even though they do all their stories from within and I have zero experience with animation and no hope of getting hired. So even though it’s geared towards animators specifically, I’ve found it helpful to think about as a writer and also just in getting through my day-to-day life.

You should definitely read the whole letter, but here’s an excerpt for you: “PERSIST on telling your story. PERSIST on reaching your audience. PERSIST on staying true to your vision.” It’s what I’ve been struggling with recently. I have revisions I need to make, I have new projects I haven’t started, and with everything going on in my life, I’ve had zero motivation to write or to do much of anything. Even going out and being with a group of more than a couple people has felt overwhelming. One month from today I’ll be heading up to Maine for the Freedom Art Retreat, and I don’t want to feel completely out of it or rusty when I go. I need to find a way to persist. To be able to know that it’s ok to feel the confusion and loss, to feel overwhelmed at times, and to still be able to carry on. First get started writing again, and then work up the strength to write through the creative droughts and keep pushing forward.

It’s just been really hard. It’s not a step-by-step process where you feel a little stronger every day. There’s good days and there’s bad days. Good hours and really horrible hours. Days where I don’t even want to get out of bed. Other days where I’m so worried about the rest of my family that I don’t let myself focus on how I am dealing with things. There’s times where I’m feeling ok and then feel guilty that I’m feeling ok. Which I know is silly, because my father wouldn’t have wanted me to feel sad, etc., but I haven’t been able to make the guilt go away yet. Nice sunny days make me feel awful because I think about how he isn’t able to be there and enjoy it. I feel bad if I feel like I’m mentally painting too polished-over a memory of him, but I also feel horrible if I remember the not-so-great times too. I know this is all part of the process of dealing with things, but being aware of that doesn’t help much at all.

So that’s where I’ve been. Persisting. Or at least attempting to. Knowing that I still have stories to tell, visions to stay true to, and (hopefully) an audience to reach. Knowing that eventually I’ll get back to a place where I can write without all of this hanging over my head. But in the meantime just trying to persist.

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Barking cat

The best part is when he notices the camera and is like, “umm… I mean… meow! ..Nothing to see here.”

Sometimes you need things like this to get you through the day.

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